My tabloid offerings, just for you… Enjoy!
‘Abs’ solutely Better
Fit frenemies Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow’s feud has been reagnited by a chance comment. In an interview by Ireland’s (Ireland’s interviewers uncover the best gossip) Independent, Gwyneth told the world to ‘face it’. Her abs are better than Madonna’s!
The two were best of buds back in 2010 but fell out over their mutual personal trainer, Tracy Anderson. Madonna sacked Tracy but Gwyneth refused to take sides. She remained faithful to her coach, gaining a rock hard tummy but losing a friend.
Now, Gwyneth co owns four gyms with the personal trainer. She has made a buisness out of her abs, releasing healthy cookbook ‘It’s All Good’ recently. She founded Goop.com, a website dedicated to providing its readers with useless information about health food and fashion. She truly has created an empire of health.
Madonna has become progressively unpopular. Her fitness is not coveted. Eyes are covered at the sight of her bulging muscly bat wings and her sinewy legs. If Gwyneth truly takes the time out to ‘poloroid my abs and text them to her’ I believe that would break Madonna’s fragile body and mind in half.
Gwyneth insists that she does not wish to ‘rub it in’ but why inform the media if that is the case? She has her claws out and sharpened for Madonna.
Really, Gwyneth, you should respect your elders.
Planting Bushes of Brows
Cara Delevigne sways down the runway, thick dark eyebrows furrowed. Her brows are bushes; they grow wild, free and huge. Big eyebrows are in and have been for some years now.
The pendulum swung from the thin, sparse lines of the noughties to these fully fledged caterpillars almost instantly. Everyone began desperately growing in an attempt to keep up with the ‘big’ trend.
What about those who were a bit too plucky with their tweezers? These women now suffer from low self esteem amongst their hairy peers. Even after using eyebrow growth serum and setting the tweezers aside, some hairs just can’t be coaxed out of their follicles.
It’s no wonder that these women are now turning to surgery to regain their natural eyebrow. The transplant involves removing 400 hairs from the head, creating tiny incisions on the eyebrow line and then inserting each individual hair into the hole. This method takes only an hour and a half per brow and results in natural looking, full eyebrows.
There are some disadvantages. The hair grows like the hair on your head, so if you don’t trim regularly you can end up with your Grandad’s scary bushes or worse. A procedure can cost up to £3,500, a whopping price for a few hairs above your eyes,
Professionals have reported a 30% increase in eyebrow transplants in recent years. ‘I have the shape of Megan Fox’s eyebrows and the direction of hair growth imprinted in my brain,’ sighs Dr, Jeffery Epstein. So take a closer look at your friend’s bushier brows. They may have once lived on the back of her head.